Why You Gotta Act Like You Know When you Don't Know

"Why you gotta act like you know when you dont know. Its Ok if you don't know everything"

Words in a song I was listening to recently that got me thinking. It IS OK not to know everything all of the time. I have spent a lot of time in the past few months travelling alone and therefore having a lot of time to think, to contemplate the past, try to plan the future and figure out what it is that Im going to do with myself.

Inevitably many long bus journeys with only my Ipod, the odd inquisitive Latino, the occasional(ish) packet of Oreos and the deep dark recesses of my brain to occupy me has led me to do a lot of thinking, and there have definitely been times in the past few months that I have managed to convince myself of a whole range of possibilities: that I want to settle down and have babies and work, that I want to run away to India and never come back, that maybe I’m ready to change careers, that maybe I don’t want to travel any more, that maybe I want to be a diving instructor and live on the beach forever. And also, at times that maybe I’m just actually insane. Wacked Nuts. Really. I know your laughing but its true.

Having spent the last few weeks at Rancho Esperanza  www.rancho.esperanza.bvg3.com in the remote fishing village of Jiquilillo on the Northwestern coast of Nicaragua I have had time to reevaluate, re remember the direction that  I’m headed in and gain some clarity of mind that I feel I might have been lacking for a while. Spending the last month at the Rancho was perfect, so perfect that many

times I was supposed to leave and never quite made it. Every morning  the chicken bus would roll by  horn blaring, arms and legs dangling out of windows and boxes, chickens,vegetables, peopleandwatermelons piled on the roof, and I would think "I should be on that bus. Why am I not on that bus. Oh well its OK, manana manana". But, as it has a habit of doing manana just kept becoming today and I guess I always felt like I 

would know when it was time to move on. 

Somehow, the time just didn’t seem right the week before Christmas as I played ridiculously inventive scattegories, and multi-lingual scrabble with people from all corners of the world. Christmas came and went, when we gave out presents to all the children in the village, with Nate posing as a very likely candidate for Santa Claus, listened to some Latin American Christmas tunes, and tucked into some delicious Nica style food and a much appreciated Shiraz for Christmas dinner and I still didn’t feel like leaving and then, before I knew it, 2009 had arrived, and we were round a camp fire on the beach jamming with drums digeridoos, a harmonica, guitars, firedancing, some Glasgow rap and a good sprinkling  of Ozzie talent , as shooting stars sped through the sky and phosphorescence glittered in the crashing waves and lo and behold I still hadn’t left. Sure I had packed my bag 3 times, and yeah every day I said I would leave as I really wanted 

to travel some more of Central America, but some thing stopped me every time. But, as I sat  with some Nicaraguan girls one night chatting about having babies, getting married and politics in an interesting form of Spanglish, drinking  rum and eating some of their delicious Nicaraguan meat and fried plantain dumplings I decided that the next day would  definitely be the day I left. It turned out the Gods were working against, or maybe with, me as I discovered that the lovely Nicaraguan meat feast I had enjoyed so much had been sweltering in the back of a car in the 100 degree heat ALL DAY and must have been what can only be called  rancid by the time I ate it. Suffice to say the next 24 hours proved one of the worst days of my life and as I lay on the ground in the middle of the night unable to move shout for help or open my eyes I decided that maybe this was the place it was all meant to end, that I wasn’t meant to leave and that I would come to rest at the Rancho, and be found partially eaten by the small frogs and rodents that occupy the eco friendly bathrooms. At the time, it didn’t seem like such a bad option. . .however, against all odds I survived and managed to power on to leave the next day for a mammoth journey through Central America. After 3 days, 6 countries, 162 questions regarding my temporary passport from 15 border officials, (all with large guns and an evil eye) 9 buses, one cycle rickshaw, taxis,  4 chickens, 2 pigs, 1 small child spread across my knee for 4 hours, a very nice Australian girl, some funny American guys, a bag of trail mix  and 5 ,or possibly 6 packets of Oreos (when I said occasional earlier it may have been a slight stretch of the truth) and some Abbamania I finally arrived in Cancun hot sweaty dirty tired but extremely satisfied and with a feeling of wonder as the end of another fabulous experience draws near. 

The past few months in Central America have again allowed me to be part of something amazing and I have, as always, learned a great deal. Learning from experiences such as living simply in the Highlands of Guatemala where traditional Mayan lifestyle stands strong amongst the development of tourism, to dancing on the streets to Punta rock and eating some delicious Carribean specialities on Garifuna Day in Belize, hiking up live Volcanoes and taking in  the Colonial beauty of Antigua,  and volunteering at Rancho Esperanza, where Nate, the founder of the Rancho has poured his whole heart, soul and very being into creating a place that children can feel safe, that backpackers can come to and relax, and that a sense of community can be built around  I always find it’s the people you meet along the way that make your experiences what they are, perhaps more so than the places you see or the things you do. People who are beautiful and amazing and inspirational. People who are travelling in spite of everything , who are strong and who are facing their fears and challenging themselves even when life is tougher than many of us can imagine, people who are living life to its limits, following their dreams, and making the things they want to happen happen. People who blow me away by their ability to cope and adapt, by their knowledge of the world and the kindness, care and compassion they have for humanity.

As I fly back towards the US on the last leg of this journey before I return to the UK its easy to become frustrated by the knowledge that I don’t have, the places that I don’t know, the people that I’ve yet to meet and the journeys that I don’t know I’m going to have. But then I realize there are many things I do know, many people I have met, and many journeys I have had. And I can smile and be happy and thankful for being alive and for the experiences I have had and excited for what lies ahead. Because, just like the song says. . . its OK if you don’t know everything .